Tips and Tours

Round 17 Guest Tipper

Transcript of hacked telephone conversation between Phil Legghert in Carmaux and Paul Sherwin on the road from Aurillac, during a lull in the Tour de Farnce

Phil:      Well Paul, I think le garcons from Garmin-Cervelo have developed a smartypants strategy this year and are looking the goods to take out le Tour.  What do you think – though perhaps there could be a threat from Team Highroad?

Paul:   The sprinters from Team Highroad have run their race already, Phil, and I think that we will see that they’ll be taking the low road into the Champs Elysee this year.  What about Contador – will he pull out all stops on the mountains and loosen a chain or two this year again?

Phil:      Frankly Paul, I don’t give a toss about who wins le grand tour this year.  My best boy Wiggins has crashed and the Manxmissile has won his stages, so the rest of the tour is a bit of a yawn for me.   

Paul:  Oh, OK – how about we change the subject then and get on to Round 17.

Phil:  Good idea Paul.    The first match is at AAMI stadium and what I do know is that the losing coach of this one could be climbing the Col de Sad Sac in a few weeks time.  Hirdy's job should be safe for another week at least after this match because Craigy’s boys are still going round in circles.

Paul:  Yes, I agree with you Phil.    The second game is at the ‘G’, because it’s the Pies v the Blues, and neither of them know how to find Tullamarine.  But I think ‘Rats’ Rattan might need a new set of Lycra after this weeks game.  Collingwood to stay at the Tete de la course is my prediction.  What do you think?

Phil:   I agree with you as usual Paul.  The Tigers and Gold Coast meet at Cazaly Stadium next….

Paul:   Cazaly Stadium?  Where’s tha….  Oh wait Phil – I can see the peloton is now going through Figeac and are only 5.24 mins behind the breakaway group.  Do you think we should be getting excited and start raising our voices a few octaves for the television audience?

Phil:  No Paul.  I think you’ve been listening too much to Brucey from Channel 7 who gets excited at anything remotely special.   Back to the match, and I reckon the maillot noir et jeune should lead from the front in this one.

Paul:  Yes I do too – my backup team says the Gold Coast will stay in the sag wagon, especially without Gazza the Sun King.

Phil:  Its certainly bad news about the sag wagon Paul.  It’s already being over-used in this year’s Tour, with so many crashes and withdrawals.    But let’s have a look at the big match of the round - St Kilda vs West Coast.

Phil:  Big match!  No, its an easy one Paul.   The Eagles have folded before, but the worst fold will be this week against the Men of the Cross.

Paul:  Oh ha ha ha – you made a funny joke Phil!  I’ll have to remember that one for the next time we have a flat spot on the road.  Now, let me see, yes … the next match is Melbourne vs Port Adelaide up in Darwin I believe?  Where’s that? 

Phil:  Hmm not sure, Paul; I don’t think its anywhere near the cinque ports but I do think Port will sink yet again in this match. 

Paul:    Ooh look Phil – there’s been a fall in the breakaway as the leaders make their way to Vileneuve; oh no, wait a minute, its just Greipel off his bike taking a comfort stop on the road.  Back to the AFL – where are we up to – oh yes, the next game is Sydney vs Fremantle in Sydneytown.  Any ideas?

Phil:  Well these two teams are like Cadell – they’re both slipstreamers Paul.  They only play their best when they’re being pulled along by a better team.  So it’s a tough game to pick, but if I have to, I’ll go for the red and whites at home.  

Paul:  Wise choice and well thought through as usual Phil.   How do you think the lowly Lions will fare against the Cats, most recent twotime losers, but still near the top of the table?

Phil:   I think for the Lions to win they’ll have to climb a mountain larger than the Col de Tormalet, and if they manage that, they'll be wearing polka dot jerseys next week.   Not likely!

Phil:  Yes, I’d like to see Vossy’s boys in polka dots too but there’s about as much chance of that as Lance making another comeback in the Tour Downunder.  If they did turn out in the polka dot jersey you’d wonder about what’s hidden in their hotel rooms!  Look at the peloton now Paul – they’re all lining up single file to pick up their musets.  These boys have to keep up their calories otherwise they’ll stop in their tracks like…oh no!!  There goes another bunch of them down like ninepins ... and here comes the sag wagon yet again! 

Paul:   It’s a tough tour Phil.  But back to the last match of the round – North Melbourne vs Western Bulldogs.  I hear that after the coach spoke to him during the week, Big Barry Hall will be tyred and cranky, so the Bulldogs could be at the arriere du peloton.  But then it is Bastille Day on Thursday, and as the Bulldogs carry the French colours, how can they lose? 

Phil:  Ah yes Paul, I follow your reasoning and your three little homophones.  Well it looks like the peloton has caught the leaders now and they’re only 10 kms from Carmaux so we had better start to wind up the enthusiasm and step on the exhilaration pedal for our viewers back home, given that they’ve probably all just about fallen asleep by now.   

Recent Guest Tippers

Round 16

Your guest tippers this week are the Master Chef team:

            Matt, the Mousse, Preston,

            Garry, the Gravy Boat, Mehigan

            And Little Georgie, the Garlic Yiros, Columbaris

Remember tippers: If you have come this far without being eliminated; falling into your own mix master; or contracting food poisoning from your own prawn cocktail; you can WIN this competition.

So come on.  Plate up something special this week, and you won’t need to blubber on national television.

Here is our recipe for success:

• In the best Perth restaurants, wet toast is having a resurgence.  But the galloping Geelong gastronauts will greedily gobble up the goodies here; after gleefully garnishing their goolies.

• Kennett’s Blue Team will add so much BBQ sauce they wont know whether they are dining out on fresh lion burger, or old recycled bear burger.

• Herdy has finally found the keys to the pantry, and given his lads some fibre in their diet.  After cat shaslick, they will be keen for some tiger stew, topped off with a just desert of Bomber Alaska.

• The sunny side up Golden Crumpets, will be buttered, battered, and bettered (but not embittered).  The seasoned Swans will steam, stir, and sauté them until they are, well, stuffed.

• At the MCG pressure cooker, Eddie might get steamed up again, but old Iron Chef Malteser won’t chocolate coat it.  His all conquering kitchen crew will cook up a concasser of kangaroo.

• At AAMI, the little Primus single burner camp cooker will run out of gas – again!  Perhaps they need to check their nozzles for blockages.

• Back to Etihad where the Halls lemonade will be too old and stale to save the punch.  The beverage of the day will be Carlton Crownies.

Fortunately for Neil “stick with a crap recipe” Craig, his dishwashers have an immunity pin and will sit this round out.  They won their pin playing in such heavy rain that they confused which end was theirs, and accidently moved the ball forward, shock, horror.

Good luck, and cook up a storm.

Master Chef Team

Round 15

Our Guest Tipper this week is the wild man from the apple isle (yes, he might be long in the tooth but they’re all there).   He has held back the dams, held up the big Guns, and now holds the balance of power in the Senate – welcome to the Left Honorable Bob Brown.

Western Bulldogs v Melbourne

I have proven that if you keep biting at your opponents’ ankles long enough you will eventually prevail.  The bulldogs to chew up their opposition.

Richmond v Carlton

Unfortunately the tigers are a doomed species.  They will be massacred.  The carcase will be picked over to satisfy an insatiable demand for aphrodisiacs.

But all is not lost.  You can buy our ‘Save a Tiger’ T-shirt and use our Indian brand of Viagra instead of tiger parts.

Fremantle v Gold Coast

The suns will be swamped by a tsunami from the west.  Vosse’s boys will need to think about training on higher ground.

Essendon v Geelong

Cats are a dominant, cunning and ruthless species world wide.  They will inexorably continue wiping out weaker species.  They will probably play with the Bombers for 3 quarters before tearing them to threads in the last quarter.

Adelaide v Sydney

Heavy rains east of the Nullabor are favouring water birds with webbed feet and long necks.  The swans will simply pick the crows to pieces.

Brisbane v Port Adelaide

The lions will re-assert their dominance on the lush green savannah of the Gabba.  The king of the beasts will slowly devour the gallant power boys.

Collingwood v Hawthorn

As we get closer to September, the Magpies will get even more aggressive and dominant, swooping on lesser teams and driving them to become cowering apologists for footballers.  The hawks will loose all their feathers.

North Melbourne v St Kilda

Kangaroos are becoming the high protein food of choice for the hungry masses.  I am afraid they will be sacrificed to the hungry saints.

Round 14

Our guest tipper for Round 14 comes to you from the CEO of Dealbreaker.com©, the dotcom company recently launched on London’s FTSE by Ricky Nixon. 

DEALBREAKER.COM ©

‘There’s always a smear campaign against us with facts, which are not true”.

(Smart tippers will have already noticed we had to hold this Guest Tipper until the MenoftheX had a bye, upon legal advice from L Eyer, Phibbs & Leaks. )

Hawks v Essendon

A big match for curly Hirdy’s boys, and Hawks could be a roughie without him and the bigBud.   The Dons are desperate, but believe us, the Hawks are a certainty – though Dealbreaker.com© really reckons the truth will lie somewhere in between. 

Tigers v Demons

Dealbreaker.com© can exclusively reveal that it has put the hard wood on Liam and he will head to the WS Giants next year – but this week he will kick a ton and bring home the Demons.

Suns v Western Bulldogs

When Dealbreaker.com© recently started negotiations with big Barry and asked if he was a volatile player, he said ‘well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side’.  Still no Bazza for the Bulldogs this week, and it could be the difference up in sunshine land.  The Suns to extract a surprise win at home.

Swans v the Pies

Dealbreaker.com’s© secret negotiations with the Dallas Cowboys have broken down and so the pieblokes are now back from Arizona.   They’ll be surprised to have to get on yet another plane and fly interstate to play.  Dealbreaker.com’s© mentor once said “The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable”, and so it will be for us all when the Pies come home winners in Sydneytown.

Freeo v Lions

Over in the west, Dealbreaker.com© is aligned with Twiggy on how to blow the minerals resource rent tax apart.  We’re anchoring our negotiations on Harvey’s mantra ‘Ask no questions, hear no lies’ which suits the industry well; Lions will take advantage of a depleted home team and sink notsostrongbutsilentman Havey’s ephemeral campaign for 2011.

Cats v Adelaide Crows

Stevens has just retired on the pretext of concussion, but Dealbreaker.com© can now report that with his amnesia he has been signed and will be an asset to our stable of agents.   We expect to sign up all the crowboys soon because clearly they have all forgotten how to play this game.  The Cats by a whopper.

Carlton v WC Eagles

Working on Menzies theory that “sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side”, Tony has proposed a plebiscite on Julia’s carbon tax; Dealbreaker.com© is now working on the wording for the question in partnership with wordsmith Ms K Duthie.   It goes something like “Do you support a reduction in our lifestyle or would you rather have fun forever?”  Mr Worsfold suggests it hints of ambiguity, but there will be no doubts come sundown on Sunday – he’ll be blue because Lily will be the song they’re singing. 

Power v North Melbourne

Soccer badboy Thierry Henry once said ‘Sometimes in football you have to score goals’.  (With his deceptive deflection technique, we can now reveal he’s on Dealbreaker.com’s© list as a first round draft pick in 2012).  But his words are prophetic – the truth is that the first team to score a goal will be the winner in this one, and it will be the boys from the east.

Guest tipper Round 13

Following a previous tipper in MARK MY WORDS we have for your pleasure

(?) our new guest tipper called  ON YOUR MARX.  These are, of course,  that other dynamic duo, Groucho and Karl, who although not brothers, are both 6 feet under, so they have something in common.

DOGS v CROWS -  This is the match which may decide who goes forth into the eight, or who crashes to oblivion. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing, if you can fake that, you`ve got it made. 

Eade would have said something similar, Craig is too honest,  so DOGS to win.

HAWKS v GOLD COAST  -  Buddy is so unique, you can only compare him to himself, and that is just how he likes it. But the Gold Coast is working itself up from a state of extreme incompetence, so HAWKS without a roughie.

ESSENDON v NORTH MELBOURNE  -  If Essendon make it back in time from Perth, NORTH MELBOURNE are waiting to kick them back. Coach Chris Scott believes that age is an issue of mind over matter, if you don`t mind it doesn`t matter.

ST KILDA v GEELONG  -  A black cat signifies that it is going somewhere, CATS to run over, then reverse over, then squish the life out of Saints.

LIONS v RICHMOND  -  This match is a feline spectacular and whoever named it `necking` was a poor judge of anatomy.  The eye of the TIGER is set on making history up in Lionland.

MELBOURNE v FREEMANTLE  -  History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce, and this is what has happened to these two teams. 

Melbourne were tragic last week, so FREEMANTLE to overcome the trip around the volcano to win.

CARLTON v SYDNEY  -  If Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere , diagnosing incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies, then CARLTON have PM Judd.

EAGLES v PORT ADELAIDE.  Primas has principles, but if you don`t like them - well he has other ones. Unfortunately he hasn`t got enough principles to go around, EAGLES to win.

Round 12 tips from Signor Dappertutto

While Primo’s powerless charges slumber in the competition’s cellar, the second half of the season proceeds apace.

St Kilda vs Western Bulldogs

Will the return of the redhead to the ranks of the doggies be enough to inspire enough canine courage to lift them above the heavenly heights of the Sainters? I think not. Nick and his boys to win with ease (by 4 to 5 goals).

Adelaide vs West Coast Eagles

This looks to be a case of aerial sandgropers crossing the border to the land of the crow eaters and becoming very much one of the latter - in a very AFL sense. Eagles to devour the Crows.

Geelong vs Hawthorn

Buddy’s return will add greatly to the Hawks flock but not enough to stop the real AFL leaders. Many Hawks feathers will fly as Lingy and his cats put them to flight.

Gold Coast vs North Melbourne

Gazza’s golden boys will remain in company with the Power(less) after their encounter with Harvo’s roos.

Carlton vs Brisbane Lions

The blues inflicted plenty of the same on the powerless Power last week and Juddy’s boys will do as much again with the lame Lions.

Sydney Swans vs Richmond

The Swannies are on song and will despatch hardman’s not-so hard Tigers with no great difficulty.

Freemantle vs Essendon

Freo plus Paterson’s curse will be enough to repel the Bomber’s raid on the western shore.

Melbourne vs Collingwood

The only demons Melbourne will bring to this encounter are those of the inner type as they inevitably succumb to Eddie’s indefatigables.

Round 11 Guest Tips

I have been asked to be the guest tipper this week which is causing great disruption to my singing lessons. However, after talking to my stablemates they encouraged me to continue my studies by singing out loud some extracts from my hopefully winning teams club songs.

At this stage you must be extremely grateful that I am only able to convey parts of the lyrics in writing rather than you having to endure my lyrical tones.

Essendon vs. Melbourne

Our boys who play this grand old game,

Are always striving for glory and fame!

44 points

Geelong vs. Western Bulldogs

We play the game as it should be played

At home and far away.

West Coast Eagles vs. Gold Coast

We’re flying high, we’re flying high,

We’re flying high, we’re flying high,

Collingwood vs. St Kilda

Hear the barrackers a shouting

As all barrackers should

Brisbane Lyons vs. Sydney Swans

Lift that noble banner high

Shake down the thunder from the sky

Hawthorn vs. Freemantle

Come what May you will find us striving

Team work is the thing that counts

North Melbourne vs. Adelaide

Our skill and nerve will see us through

Our commitment ever grows

Port Adelaide vs. Carlton

With all the champions they like to send us

We’ll keep out end up

Happy singing and I hope you don’t end up a “little horse” !

Mr Ed – GG’s best friend

Some more guest tippers

ROUND 7 TIPS    by LEXIE COGRAPHY .

This is for all you cruciverbalists out there.

The first tipper to decipher the tips below, will be presented with a special prize at the Big Grand Final Bash, by Lexie herself.

Collingwood have the BYE BYE this week, so will be gongoozlers.

PORT v HAWKS                    Too many Power players are steatopygic, while the HAWKS  have a                                                    lot  of callipygean boys.

DOGS v SWANS                    Dogs given the jettatura, SWANS to win.

CATS v NORTH MELB          No Ablett, only abligurition to rev up the CATS to a win.

TIGER v FREO                       Freo will absquatulate after the TIGERS  growl.

SUNS v LIONS                      The first Queensland Derby should see the LIONS dehisce the

                                                opposition.

ESS v EAGLES                       The ulotrichous one will lead his chargers to victory over the Eagles.

MELB v ADELAIDE               Melbourne will mentally decubitis when they see the talent in                                                      ADELAIDE.

ST KILDA v CARLTON         Judd has more talent in his dactylion than the whole of the St Kilda

                                                team, BLUES.

My witzelsucht is full of floccinaucinihilipilifactory information. Suggest you google `unusual words` to be in the running for the prize, which won`t be jumentous.

Lexie

ROUND 6

With apologies to George Orwell and Spark Notes.

Old Major Andrew, a prize-winning boar, gathers the animals of the Animal Farm League (AFL) for a meeting in the big barn. He tells them of a dream he has had in which all animals live together with no other leagues to oppress or control them. He tells the animals that they must work toward such a paradise and teaches them a song called “Up there Kazaly,” in which his dream vision is lyrically described. The animals greet Old Major Andrew’s vision with great enthusiasm and formulate his main principles into a philosophy called The Premiership. The Kangaroos devote themselves to the cause with particular zeal, committing their great strength to the prosperity of the Premiership and adopting as a personal maxim the affirmation “I will work harder.
At first, Animal Farm League prospers. The Tigers work at teaching the animals to read and the Crows takes a group of young Magpies to educate them in the principles of The Premiership. The humans appear to take back the Animal Farm League and the animals defeat them, in what comes to be known as the Battle of the Blues. The animals increasingly quibble over the future of the Animal Farm League (AFL), and they begin to struggle with each other for influence among the other animals. The Bombers assume leadership of Animal Farm League (AFL) and declare that there will be no more meetings. From that point on, they assert, the Bombers alone will make all of the decisions—for the good of every animal.
Years pass on Animal Farm, and the animals become more and more like human beings—walking upright, carrying whips, and wearing clothes. Eventually, the seven principles of The Premiership, known as the Demon’s Commandments that are inscribed on the side of the barn, become reduced to a single principle reading “all animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.” Old Major Andrew entertains the Bombers at a dinner and declares his intent to ally themselves with the other Leagues against the laboring classes of Animal Farm League. Looking in at the animals through the farmhouse window, the common animals can no longer tell which are the animals and which are the human beings.

ROUND 5

Brisbane Pussies v St Kilda WussesWell how do you pick a winner here, with Brown still licking his wounds and St Kilda trying to find a football to kick who knows, but St Kilda by 10
Port Adelaide v Gold Coast RainsYes it is still raining in QLD and the Gold Coast thinks the sun shines out of their ***!!!! and they are playing some other type of football.
Port are Primused every week and at last have found some form. The Power are primed, Port by plenty.

Carlton v Chardonnay CrowsWhat a bunch of grapes the Crows are, still not ripe, all promise, full of moisture and no colour. They should try a decent Red and put some oomph!!! into their game. Bring in the good old Biff and toughen up the boys. I will start the rumour Craig will be gone by August and Knuckles Kerls will be in charge.
Brett the Rat will be changing the forward structure and the Crows won't know who to stand, the Crows will have a Carlton discard in Jacob with the coat of many colours, but it will make no difference, Carlton by 40.
North Melbourne v RichmondWhat can you say, two Melbourne teams both will be lucky to win a game this year. When a team has players by the name of Deledio the Dildo being their best player no wonder they get thrashed by Collingwood. Another record will be created with the fourth draw for the season.
Essendon v CollingwoodThe Anzac Day block buster, little Mickey will have taken the Collywobbles to the war museum to stir the boys up only to find Heardy already had the Essendon team there behind the Bren Guns arming them at the intruders. Go Essendon by 5
Freo V BulliesThe Bullies will loose their bight flying across the Nullabor to find the Dockers baying for blood. The lost Crow, Pavlich and the streak Sandilands will kill the Bullies. Freo by 16
Hawthorn v CatsCould be a tight one, Franklin bagged 6 in Tassie but the Cats have Whatshisname and E'sright plus a bunch of runners but they will have to watch out for the pasta boy Ravioli, however the Cats by 15.

The guest tipper Black Velvet

 

Guest tippers for Rounds 3 and 4

Wealthmaker.com lays down the odds for Round 4

Wealthmaker.com is your new high performance betting agency, helping YOU gain financial independence, possibly as early as this weekend!  Simply get your credit card out, goto our website www.xenophon_is_a_tool/profittrumpsmorals and start rehearsing your resignation speech.....hurry!  Here are your investment options for Round 4.

No odds  Richmond vs Collingwood  No odds

The Pies are at unbackable odds, so we won’t let you back them.....we’re not stupid.  Exotic bets are available on how many goals they score.

Exotic Bets:

<20 goals Pays $10

20-25 Pays $1.10 

25-30 Pays $1.01

30+ Pays $1.03

$1.20 Hawthorn vs West Coast $2.75

West Coast have started well, but the honeymoon can’t last forever.  They did collect the wooden spoon last year after all.

Exotic Bet:  Worsfold is the first coaching casualty of 2011 Pays $5

$1.92 Carlton vs Essendon $1.92

Could be the game of the round.  Flip a coin and empty your wallet, ‘cos we have no idea.

Exotic Bet: Hirdy’s blonde locks ain’t so blonde by the end of the year Pays $1.90

$3.50 Sydney vs Geelong $1.50

With inflation, increasing cost of living and probably a carbon tax soon, the only responsible action for Sydneysiders is to make larger and riskier bets.  Go long on the Swans.

Exotic Bet: Gary Ablett desperately asks Geelong to take him back for 2012 Pays $1.05

$2.50 Port Adelaide vs Adelaide $1.75

Showdowns are always tough to pick.  If anything gets Port off the bottom of the ladder, it’ll be the thought of getting beaten by The Crows.

Exotic Bets:  First punchup starts before quarter time Pays $2

$100 Gold Coast vs Melbourne $1.01

The Suns will do well to finish second last this year.  Still .... might be worth a flutter.

Exotic Bet:  Carmichael Hunt starts cramping during the national anthem Pays $1.10

$1.60 Fremantle vs North Melbourne $2.10

Could Freo finally live up to the promise?  They’ve let you all down before.  Any reason they won’t again?

Exotic Bet:  NM President James Brayshaw cries before the final siren Pays $1.50

For this week only, a Super Exotic Bet on which teams get the BYE.  Pick the trifecta of Brisbane, St Kilda and Western Bulldogs Pays $0.99

Wealthmaker.com promises it has not been in direct contact with any players in relation to exotic bets*.

*Promise is non-legally binding and therefore does not constitute an actual promise.

Tipper the Iceberg breaks through

He's so cool!  Tipper the Iceberg's tips for Round 3 scored a perfect 8 from 8.  Check it out.

“FEV” BIDING HIS TIME IN DIGNIFIED SILENCE

Before we get to the nitty-gritty of this round, allow me a little reflection on a great thinker and footy champion. I refer, of course, to Brendan “Brains” Fevola. In this column last year I foresaw both the demise of Andrew “Dingbats” Demetriou and the rise to prominence of Fev in a very senior administrative role. A year on, and Demetriou is still doing to footy what so many American men got to do to Liz Taylor – or was that vice versa?

Anyway, Dingbats simply has to go and you are now seeing this play out exactly as I predicted. Fevola has made his gracious exit from an unappreciative Lions unit and is strategically biding his time in the VFL - with characteristic dignity, it must be said - before making his strike at Demetriou's top job.

Assuredly Fevola will prevail, partly because he clearly carries more weight than ever in the game -  have you seen him lately? - but mainly because (to borrow a phrase) we all know it makes sense!

Rumours, however, that Ricky Nixon will be his Deputy are just that - wild rumours – and are plainly nonsense. Let's stay in the real world, for Heaven's sake!

And so to the footy this week:

The red-hot Pies will bake the Blues by no less than six goals;

The Doggies are barking mad after Round 1 and will bite the hapless Suns by a good ten;

Even away from home, Freo will pluck the Crows like pheasants (No, don't try to spoonerise that!);

The battle of the Gold Guernsies will be close but will go the Hawkers' way;

The Eagles may well stall this week and allow the Swannies to glide to a narrow win;

Expect demoniacal Melbourne to do the roaring, not the Lions, and to win by five;

The Catters, sadly, will be too strong at Kadinia Park for a struggling Power; and.....

The last game will be a ripper. Heardy's revitalised Dons to sneak past the Sainters by one.

TippertheIceberg  (So cool!)

Chief (and only) correspondent to the Antarctic Almanac

Guest Tipper Round 1 - Mark my words

Our second guest tipper has done a remarkable job, you may agree – or remark otherwise

MARK MY WORDS

ST KILDA v RICHMOND

The Reiwoldt Battle Galactica, the goalkicking extravaganza, the highflying dynamic duo. Who can you trust?  The one with his pants on.  Marcus Einfeld

NORTH MELBOURNE v COLLINGWOOD

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, I come to bury Mick, not to praise him.

Marc Antony

PORT ADELAIDE v WEST COAST EAGLES

All my friend on facebook tells me that Eagles can soar at AAMI – whatever that means.

Mark Zuckerberg

GOLD COAST SUNS v CARLTON

I`ve never let schooling interfere with my education, so a Blue sunset tonight

Mark Twain

FREEMANTLE v GEELONG

The big wookie ruckman for Freo to tip the jeddi masters off their perch.

Mark Hamill aka Luke Skywalker

BULLDOGS v BRISBANE LIONS

With a bulldog mascot and a bite to match, the lion sleeps tonight.

Trade Mark

SYDNEY SWANS v ESSENDON

The swans are the most ferocious and aggressive bird, but Hird and his flock will Button them up.

Mark Webber

HAWTHORN v MELBOURNE

The blue-blood shoppers of the competition. The best buy is in Hawthorn

Marks and Spencer

Stay tuned for our next GT.

Guest Tipper Round 1 - General Malaise

All quotations are from Sun Tzu's 'Art of War' - and here are General Malaise's answers:

"If he is taking his ease, give him no rest" - Hardwick telling his tagger how to tag Judd.
"Appear where you are not expected" - Ross Lyon talking about recent police enquiries about some of his players
"Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness.  Thereby you can be the director of the opponent's fate".  Malty to Bucky.
"Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness".  Craigy talking about Clarkson
"If his forces are united, separate them".  Harvey confessing that he took Fev out on new years eve
"If your opponent is temperamental, seek to irritate him".  Hird making sure his play on BigBarry knows what to do.
"Attack him where he is unprepared". New coach Longmire trying to sound like he knows what he's doing.
"Pretend to be weak that he may grow arrogant".  Last years wooden spoon coach Worsfold giving his charges a gee up for the first match of 2011.

Continuing tizzes

aND We thought the tizz was over - but the bone just keeps getting picked over:

RIPOSTE FROM SIR WOLTA
I am sorry, but your hard-nosed attitude leaves me with no alternative......
I really didn't want to do this but the time has come to fight fire with fire and point out the other piece of fraudulence (as distinct from flatulence, although, come to think of it....) in your composition :
That being the spelling/typo error (deliberate I'm sure!) in the clue for 8 down.....
Under the circumstance I feel well and truly within my rights to claim a + 1 start for the year - or cancel the chaff delivery
TAKE THAT, AND BE DAMNED ! (To also quote the Bardboy!)

REPLY
Dear Sir Wolta,
I need hardly point out your spelling error (above) and the fact that you still have not picked up the other deliberate mistake viz.4 down.
We therefore, find it difficult, neigh, impossible to award you a +1.
However we are content to leave you at scratch, along with all the other hopefuls. The cancelled chaff delivery will be kept in reserve and may be resurrected should further uprising occur. And what is the adjunct to adjudicator??
Yours regardless,
M and B

Crosswords

It has come to our exclusive attention via Likileaks that there have been some crosswords with one of our tippers - check out the following tiz via email exchange and weep:
CABLE FROM SIR WOLTA 12/02/11 at 13.50
Dear Briotherecklessequus and Milothewonderhorse
Thank you so much for yet again taking the onerous task of sorting out the AFL - the task could not be in better hooves
Attached is my attempt at your annual crossword for which you are to be congratulated (suggestion for the future : a few less blank spaces would allow more use of cross letters when struggling with difficult clues - but, I guess that would make it easier which is clearly NOT your intention !)
You have said that cheating and bribery are allowed so here goes :
I am not sure about 10 across (it is all I can come up with but I still, for the life of me, really climb inside your minds to feel at all confident) - on the other hand there is the issue of your clear manipulation and falsification with 12 across where you, obviously deliberately, mislead your contestants with the advice of a 5 letter word followed by one of 6
letters - then allow 12 blank squares ! In my stables 5 + 6 = 11 so this
is clearly fraudulent behaviour on your part
SO... If my somewhat guessed answer to 10 across is actually incorrect,
your action in remedying same with the correct answer will significantly reduce the likelihood of you facing a lawsuit for massive damages in respect of your clearly fraudulent behaviour pertaining to 12 across
Yours sneakily
SirWoltaRally (who, depending on the actions of Swandy, may yet become SIX-one for this year's comp!)
REPLY
Good Afternoon Sir Wolta,
A good effort, but not good enough to save you from deductions in the `main game`!! We note your attempt to bribe Judgemental, and expect the chaff in the mail this week.
Your attempt at 10 across is, unfortunately incorrect. Taking your helpful insights into consideration, we can only think that having more connecting grids would have caused you more harm than good, as there was only 1 letter which could have gone wrong, and you pluckily put the `p` in the right place. The answer is `goalpost` being an anagram (confused) of - go stop a l -arge.
You were close with 7 across, but the answer for the big boys, was
ruck, not rump which they fall on when in....ruck. Your answer to 9
across, to which you answered BLUE, was JUDD, and this mistake without any confusing letters to connect.!!
However, all in all a good attempt, 3 wrong means -3 to start the tipping season, but by picking up the deliberate mistake of 12 across and the chaff in the mail, we have consulted DC and H our esteemed legal partners, and have decided to keep your score intact and start you on the same as everyone else. Generous I know, but what else would you expect.
Good tipping
M and B
RESPONSE FROM SIR WOLTA
Very early in the season I know, but this warrants a Tribunal hearing on the following grounds :
1. Use of bloody obtuse anagram - took into account 'confused' (and agree that you obviously were!) and searched for anagram but didn't expect to have to 'go to ell' with the spare ell ! Having said that, have to admit I was drawing a very long bow trying to make stoppage fit your thinking so will accept one match penalty
2. Dammit I have to accept a 2nd match and admit to being under the pump with rump - clearly rucked that one up
3. Object strongly to 9 across - a Carlton player is a 'Blue'.... your implication is that Judd is the ONLY Carlton player..... oh shit, when I think about it, I guess I even have to give way on that one.... who else can score Brownlow votes in games that he didn't even play in !
Thankyou for your generosity in imposing only a suspended sentence - I'll try and behave in future, but don't hold your breath.... me and 14 down are mates y'know
REPLY
Dear Sir Wolta,
I regret to inform you that there is no avenue for a Tribunal hearing, for the simple reason that there is no Tribunal.
We have taken note of your objections, and will attempt to make next year`s enigmatic puzzle less confusing for you- getting older is
difficult we understand. In the meantime, we suggest you take note
of your contemporary`s (William the Bardboy Shakespeare) eloquent
quotation
SUFFER IN YOUR JOCKS.
Yours faithfully
M and B

Welcome to the GonetotheDogs blog.  We think there is much to woof on about as the AFL season comes closer, so stay tuned during 2011 pre-season training, and during the season.  We all know who the No. 1 ticketholder of the DOGS is - but we'd be surprised if you knew that one T Abbott is now the No. 1 ticketholder at CATland.  You can expect more valuable nuggets from the kennel so stay tuned.